August 19, 2009 - A Starting Point

Most of you are aware of my struggles with depression and anxiety. I am pretty sure that most of you do not know the extent of things. I am currently seeing a psychologist and she has advised me to keep a journal of my depression. So I have set up this blog to do that. You may wonder why I would set up a blog instead of just keeping a journal. For me, knowing that someone may read this keeps me a little more honest in my own feelings. It also helps me to try to keep a positive attitude which, by nature, is hard for me to do. This will not be a fun blog to read so unless you are really ready to understand what depression/anxiety is for me, I would suggest not reading it every day. I will not be offended if you decide it is too much for you to read at all. That's ok. This blog is for me to sort some things out.

Today was generally good. Brynlee started 1st grade and I was home with Landon. I quickly came to realize that it is Brynlee who is the bigger "mess maker". The house stayed clean until she came home. After that, things started going downhill, as did my mood. It is now 10:10 pm and Mark still isn't home. The kids are asleep but I am very down. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's a lack of sleep. I haven't eaten very well today either. Far to much Diet Coke. But the only thing that seems to express my mood is an old Toad The Wet Sprocket song...

Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me.
Whenever I let my guard down. Whatever I was, ignore it.
Whatever I fear the most is whatever I see before me.
Whatever I have been given. Whatever I have been.
Did we expect these things to change by waking up and suddenly there they are
And all I need's a starting place and nothing ever seemed so hard...

I am not dealing well with anything at the moment. I need a new starting place but life just seems to be more of a trial than a joy at the moment. I know that we have been promised that we will not be tested beyond our ability to cope. Days like today make me question that. I'm not sure how long I can live like this. My life is in neutral and am just coasting along. Nothing is joyful. Nothing is sorrowful. Everything is just...neutral.